Talking about divorce in our society remains a difficult task. Although we have made significant progress in making it more normalized and accepted, divorce is still largely perceived as a sign of failure. Too often, those who have decided to end their marriages are seen as impatient or not resilient enough; as if they tried to find the easy way out, instead of trying to make things work out.
But I view divorce differently.
I view it as an act of wisdom and courage. And here’s why:
Firstly, no one marries with the idea of divorcing, unless, of course, if it is with some obscure or transactional motive. Instead, we marry with the intention of pursuing our very own “happily ever after.” However, simply tying the knot is not a guarantee that a marriage will work. It is only a starting point. We embark on a new journey with our partner, hoping that it will work out, but unfortunately, that is not always the case.
But why?
Human beings are not static creatures, quite the opposite actually. We change and evolve over time — sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse — as do our values, goals, and interests. In our 20s or 30s, when we are choosing our life partner, we often base our choices on someone who has those similar values, goals and interests. However, as time passes, 10, 20, or 50 years down the line, what once mattered to us evolves and shifts, sometimes in an entirely opposite direction to our partners. This misalignment, over time, can make the marriage feel unbearable to withstand.
Naturally as humans, we also make mistakes. We marry for the wrong reasons — as a result of pressure from society, or wanting to please our family. We choose the partner that checks boxes off the lists created by those we trust and respect, instead of our own list. We marry without being genuinely attracted or in love — as a result of feeling as though we need to rush to a decision and move on to the next stage of life.
However, marrying under these circumstances eventually catches up to us. We cannot ‘put up a face’ in love forever, and when we try, we often end up hurting both ourselves and the person that we’re with in the process.
And yet, it is okay. It is okay to make mistakes, to learn from them, and to move on. It is okay to forgo the choices of our earlier years, in pursuit of finding what suits us now.
Still, it’s important to be realistic — if we decide to search for a new partner, that new relationship will not be perfect. While a new partner may not have the undesirable traits of the last one, they will have an entirely new set of flaws. It is up to us to understand ourselves well, to know what we can live with, what we truly need, and what our absolute deal-breakers are. This self-awareness only comes from maturity, an honest self-evaluation, and the courage to learn from previous mistakes. It is also to be noted that when we part ways with someone, we also part ways with their desirable traits; traits that we may never find again in someone else. That is the catch with finding a new partner, we find an entirely new package deal.
Marriage is difficult, as we navigate life’s ever-changing nature and hardships. Divorce is incredibly difficult, as well. However, the decision to part ways with a partner despite all of the time and effort spent, is sometimes the best decision for everyone. I think that it’s time to stop judging those who choose to end their marriages. Instead, I think it’s time to show compassion and respect to those who are courageous enough — who know themselves well enough — to choose a different path.
Divorce, when chosen thoughtfully, is not a failure. It is an act of self-examination, wisdom, and most importantly, courage. It is the courage for both partners to take separate roads, regardless of everything they have invested in the relationship. It is the courage to face their loved ones, despite their sadness or disappointment. It is the courage to accept that you may be judged for your decision. To face the unknown, unsure of what life may look like after divorce, takes immense bravery. But, by embracing life as it is and beginning a whole new chapter, you give yourself the opportunity to build a life that truly fits you — and that is certainly not a failure!
Written by Sharon Lie
About Sharon
Sharon Lie lives in Brossard, Quebec and is originally from Mauritius. She works as a scientist and is also a mental health advocate. She enjoys volunteering, reading and writing and has recently developed a passion in travelling. She has recently been through experiences which have taught her that life is a wonderful journey that goes by too fast, and we should therefore aim as much as we can to live happily and peacefully.
